Torment: A Monologue



"I'll tell you what my problem is.  I hear voices...that's as simple as I can put it.  Bad ones.  Evil. It's not good, and it's been a long time.  It started later in my life. They, the doctors, say I have Schizo-Affective Disorder.  But I never really believed that.  In a little while I'll ask you what you think. You can tell me.  But for now, this thing happened 8 or 9 years ago as a result of heavy methamphetamine use.. . or so I'm told.   At least, that's what they say.  I haven't even told you about the visual or tactile hallucinations.  For the record let's just say that I never thought it was Schizophrenia.  I always thought it was something much worse.  Schizophrenia would have been a blessing compared to this.  No, this comes from a different realm.  I thought they were just plain old-fashioned ghosts at first.  After some years, I did some digging around.  It's not biblical, that is, ghosts.   There is no such thing.  When humans die, they go to Heaven where they are judged.  Then it's Hell or Heaven for that soul.  So all ghost hunters out there are playing with fire.  They are not conjuring the disembodied spirits of humans.  They are conjuring all manner of the demonic. I'll also admit I was severely delusional. I listened to them inside and outside of my head for a year and a half, men, women, and children.  I engaged them--it, really.  And then the first shift happened.  It wasn't a total surprise, I admit, but it was rough, nothing like now.  But after some time the voices inside and outside of my head changed from the disembodied to the demonic. Then it was full-blown hatred, vitriol, Satanic negativity, and hellish claims they were staking on me and my soul.  I haven't told many people or doctors at all what I'm telling, but when I do they all ask the same thing, 'What do they say?'  For starters, they assiduously take God's name in vain.  They say Jesus will never come for me.  There is no Holy Spirit.  We are inside you.  When you die we won't even give your soul a chance to come out.  We're taking you straight to Hell.  Now I know better.  They can't do that.  You must be and will be judged first.   They told me when I was delusional I took part in some kind of Satanic ceremony in which I became married to the devil himself.  They told me it was not mental.  Then the visual shit started occurring.  I would see reflections in glass doors and darkened television screens of eyes and humanoids staring at me.  And they spoke.  They mislead me to a point with their lies.  The physical attacks began shortly after that.  We've come this far, so I don't mind telling you the physical assaults were all sexual; sensations of something plunging in and out of my mouth while something else was manipulating my anus.  That is until something woke me up one night.  It was late.  I was asleep, and it felt like a gush of wind blew through my body in an instant.  Suddenly, something that felt like a fist slammed with a crushing, hard blow directly into my heart.  It was one, solid punch.  I still believe my ticker skipped a beat, but it didn't kill me.  That would occur on two other occasions.  Nobody believes me, and you can trust me when I tell you I'm all alone.  I got no wife, no kids.  My family claims it's mental, and the doctors do as well.  I've tried 4 doctors and dozens of medications and nothing helps.  Actually, that's not quite true.  Alcohol does help. It soothes my body and helps me to forget just what the hell is happening to me.  I called dozens perhaps a hundred or more deliverance ministries in 4 states.  NO ONE RETURNED MY CALLS.  And I called each one multiple times.  I can't sleep.  The attacks begin at night when I'm in bed.  That is, after dealing with demonic voices and apparitions all day long.  When I try to sleep, I'm robbed.  I feel my body moving, sometimes all over and sometimes just parts of my abdomen, throat, or head.  They speak directly to me.  About 3 months ago I heard a voice come from the closet area in my bedroom stating that they had 4,700 demons from hell assigned to me. Most were inside me.  A lot were occupying my house.  Then they claimed no less than 18 of them always traveled with me in my car.  The rest were assigned to places where I shop and eat.  No one on the planet could help me they said.  I could do what my uncle did, and what some friends in high school did.  Who would hold me accountable?  I could make the whole thing disappear.  But then another solution . . . the only one appeared.  I had to fix things up with Jesus.  If there was a hell, then there had to be a heaven, and Christ had to be there.  I was never a good born-again Christian, and it was time to change that.  You think I would have learned sooner, but I just didn't.  So I started praying.  I mean all the time.  I started reading my bible like crazy, going to church, reaching out to pastors, ministers, and priests.  Then I started watching self-deliverance and deliverance ministry YouTube videos.  But my faith and strength began to grow.  I could feel Christ working in me despite everything else.  It could have been the Holy Spirit.  Now I am just about convinced this is not mental.  However, what I'm going through is very common with other people enduring Schizophrenia. Trust me, I've done my research thoroughly.  I will never let go of Jesus no matter what the case is. I fought this thing for years, and then one day about 4 months ago something miraculous happened.  I was taking a beating, and I just cried out, 'In the Holy Name of Jesus Christ I command you to stop.  Be silent!'  And it worked!  It was temporary.  But it worked.  They came back.  But I learned something very supernaturally important from that. I kept up with reading The Word and my prayers.  I began to realize a faith that was lost was no longer.  I got stronger.  I practiced self-deliverance since I could not find an intercessor.  I fought back.  Believe me when I tell you that every time I called out to Jesus for help He answered.  I simply would tell them or ask Jesus to make them silent, recede into the darkness, and the voices ALWAYS went away.  The physical attacks that I suffered vanished, too.  As I stated, they came back for full deliverance was not upon me.  An important lesson there.  Like the Stones sang, 'You can't always get what you, but sometimes you get what you need.'  One night in particular, not long ago, I was taking a beating.  I even slept with my light on.  I remember lying on my back in bed above the covers.  I was hypnogogic, that area between wakefulness and sleep, and I was suffering, the nature of which I will not disclose.  Suddenly my eyes snapped open, and for the first time, perhaps in my life, I spoke without thinking.  It just flew out of me.  It had to be the Holy Spirit.  I proclaimed at that late hour, 'Drag that demon into the light now!'  What followed was a scream, a yawp, a demonic howl which in sound was altogether visceral, high-pitched, and ineffable.  I've told you about 10 percent of that which makes me long suffer.  I had been praying for full deliverance from Jesus and it never happened.  But His Grace was and is sufficient for me.  Now I'm a Jesus Freak. I turned my will completely over to the Big Man, God. It's in his hands even still. Nothing will stop me.   Obviously, I'm not perfect.  I still sin, but I'm nothing like I was before.  Indeed the enemy may take this battle. Satan and his minions may indeed procure a slight victory, yet nothing in comparison to eternity.  I will not crumble, I will not fold. Through Jesus, I will win the war, and they will never take my soul!"

John 5:14

"Behold! Thou art made whole. Sin no more lest a worse thing come upon thee!"

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